JHB is loving her smut

Instead of taxing my little brain to create another blog post tonight, I just made JHB do one for me! This is so much easier!!

JHB:

"So, since AB is such a muff donkey, I've taken the liberty to write a post for her. Lazy bitch. (Just kidding, sweetie, I lurve you!) [From AB: Hey, I did a post this week and I have another in the pipe line! Shut it!]

Ok, I admit I love me some porn. Sex is sex in my book. I learned a long time ago, sex ain't nothing but a thing. And, before you get all judge-y on me, that attitude has changed a lot since I got married. But for a significant period of time before I got married, sex was a release (and how!). A means to an end, if you will. I used to read all kinds of slutty books, charged with heaving bosoms, stolen innocence and bulging swords of manhood. LOVE me some brain porn. But, I digress. AB and I have had this conversation about Twilight before, and I'm sharing it with all of you, lucky lint lickers that you are (I love that phrase from the gum commericial!).
We all know that The Twilight Series is brain porn. We have no shame in that. But, why is it that this series has such an attraction to older, mature women who can get their hands on hard-core, stuff-the-taco porn if they wanted? I mean, why do I want to read about teenagers NOT having sex. I can go to a porn shop and buy 6 double-ended dildos and 20 bottles of lube and not blink. Get a lot of looks maybe, but I could do that if I wanted. But, we've figured it out. Twilight makes you feel. Twilight reminds you of your first kiss with that special someone, when you're biggest worry was whether or not he was going to ask you to the homecoming dance. It brings back the feelings giddiness at discovering something new. It makes you want to relive the most wonderful/horrible/innocent years of your life. Who doesn't want to remember what it was like with no kids, no husband, no bills, no groceries to buy? Twilight is about anticipation, about waiting, and, for us slightly older crowd, the disappointment of Breaking Dawn and the honeymoon...

THEN-- you discover Twiporn. Now, let me say that I am late coming (hehehe) to the game when it comes to Twiporn. I knew about it. I introduced it to AB, who sent it to SisE (who then broke a dildo b/c of it!). I ignored it. Just wasn't in the mood to read about sex. The other downside, for me, was I like Stephenie's Edward and Bella. I don't like when characters change on me. I KNOW I'm going to be disappointed by the new Victoria in Eclipse, because it's not Rachelle Lefevre. I know Bryce Dallas Howard is a good actress, but she's not Victoria. I didn't want to read about a bastardized Edward and Bella.

There was the whole fanfiction.net fiasco-- they were taking down the lemon stories (I knew from AB/SisE these were the hard core stories) that I didn't want to miss. So I stopped by Twilight Cupcake's site who had ear-marked all her favorite fanfics, then I tooled around fanfiction.net and signed up for twilighted.net and starting bookmarking those stories. And I started to read one... I thought "My hubby's not home tonight (he's working a grave-yard shift this week), one kid is gone, the other is asleep, I'm not tired. I'll read a few pages of this one", and holy-fucking-SEVEN HOURS LATER I thought, 'Shit, now I'm addicted!!!' It was like the first time I read Twilight. I couldn't put the laptop down. I wanted to finish reading all 60-odd chapters of "Emancipation Proclomation". I'm in Chp. 20 something now, and there's been no E/B sex, but the anticipation is building, and I can't WAIT for some good old fashioned poon tang to happen. I NEED to know what happens. Does Edward become a revised whore? Does Carlisle apologize for the bastardly thing he'd done???? ARE THEY EVER GOING TO HAVE SEX?!?!?!

And, so, if you've been reading this blog awhile, then you know all about the signs of too much Twiporn. And the fact that AB, SisE and myself are going to FFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOORRRRRKKKKKSSS, and that the price may be too high for me. But I think I've found a way to make my husband happy-reading more porn. I have seven months to ply him with the goods and he'll be happy and let me do whatever I want. I'll more than gladly take one for the team. As long as I get to go to Forks.

So, if you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do."

And I'm sure she'll be imagining this:

Another Eclipse photo. Oh yeah, just like that Edward. Uh huh-- oh sorry, I got distracted...